The Long Battle
by Blue-Inked Frost
Summary: A lot can happen in a fight, and we mean A LOT. Humourfic, including OCs and OOCness, cowritten by Lightning Flash.


**TITLE:** **The Long Battle**

**AUTHORS:** **Lightning Flash and Sarah Frost**

**GENRE: Humour/Parody**

**RATING: PG-13**

**WARNINGS: Mild slash, not-so-mild het, OCs, OOCness, slight genderbending, partial nudity, attempts at humour. May be slightly stretching PG-13, but, hey, it's all in fun, right? Right?**

**DISCLAIMER: Own nothing, make no profit. Matt Ficner owns Candy Floss and Buzzbeast. Check out hiswebsite mfproductions!**

**A/N: While we don't have the excessive sugar, red cordial, or alcohol excuse, we can acknowledge that this was largely produced in two hours of message board madness.**

While the story really starts with Kilobyte being infected by that which he considered "the greatest weakness of all," we'll start with the introduction of our Original Female Character, Candy Floss. She was more powerful than her older brother, Kilobyte, with an attitude that easily overwhelmed Sparx', and more scantily clad and well endowed than Lady Illusion. Yet she is not a Mary-Sue, for our Candy Floss was nearly a canon character, designed by Matt Ficner though ultimately rejected (for now. Mwa ha ha). And she possesses Fatal Flaws, more of which we shall see later.

Our Candy, at the start of the story, was sitting on top of the ferris wheel (for she was completely unafraid of heights), testing the strings of her crossbow, which she used to fire deadly sticks of the candy floss that was also her name. (You may think it was sad that the only name she had was after her main weapon, but remember that Ace is in the same situation.) She was a tall girl, though slightly shorter than all the main male characters, in a punk's outfit, with spiked boots and bracelets, ripped leggings, and pink hair in a Mohawk. Tattoos covered her face, arms, chest, and bare, toned midriff. All in all, she presented a deadly yet strangely attractive picture.

As Candy was peacefully sitting on the ferris wheel (or as peacefully as she could, for Candy was a rather aggressive young villainess) she saw Lady Illusion, perched atop the Haunted House, throw a crystal ball at her brother. Candy didn't intervene, as she felt that Kilobyte had been getting far too overprotective of her in recent times, and besides she had become instant friends with Lady Illusion for No Good Reason. Kilobyte stopped in his tracks, and let out a roar as the emotions began to hit him.

At that moment, Sparx, acting unusually cowardly, perhaps captivated by the powerful aura of our Original Female Character Who Is Definitely Not A Sue, Damn It, attacked Candy from behind, and she fell to the ground. Kilobyte, becoming overemotional, whistled for Fred, grabbed Sparx in a tentacle, rushing to the defence of his younger sister. While Kilobyte was flailing around at Sparx with tentacles, Lord Fear was able to aim a powerful blast at her from the ground, and Sparx was forced to retreat. Because, y'know, Sparx is _so_ the shy retreating type.

Candy felt completely humiliated. As soon as she could wriggle from his tentacle, she aimed her crossbow at Kilobyte. Watch her be the Action Grrl Defender Of Feminism.

"I don't need you to defend me! I can look after myself!"

"But you're my sister!" Kilobyte roared. "As the Evil Overlord around here, I have to protect my loyal underlings!"

"Then it's time for an Evil Overlady around here," Candy said, and she advanced on Kilobyte.

"You, Evil Overlady?" Kilobyte laughed. "You're just a girl!"

"You're just an insensitive moron!" Candy yelled, impressing all and sundry with her wit.

Candy was easily able to give Kilobyte some "sensitivity training", and though Lord Fear helped her, she could obviously have taken him on by herself easily.

---

Kilobyte felt so upset and emotionally disturbed that he walked into the Thunder Tower and asked the Knights if they needed any help.

And also, there was the factor that with emotions came hormones, and it must be admitted that the average Lightning Knight is far more attractive than the average Evil. Don't know why. Must be all that morality and clean living.

After some conversation and some very manly displays of rivalry between Ace and Kilobyte, it was agreed that Kilobyte could stay at the Thunder Tower for the time being. Besides, Sparx had realised that Kilobyte was one of few reasonably attractive, single males in the mortal dimension, and with the onset of _her_ emotions had developed quite an interest in the male gender and an entire loss of any inhibitions. She could think of quite a few uses for tentacles which the Master Programmer probably _hadn't_ had in mind…

---

In the meantime, Candy Floss had a mission to complete as the new Evil Overlady (and, honestly, it was about time): to prove that, yes, it _is _possible to be scantily clad, female, and powerful. She adopted a very simple and vaguely familiar-sounding plan: Lady Illusion, speaking in Ace's voice, got Mark to come to the carnival.

He turned up, with Kat in tow, and Candy popped out from behind a booth in her full glory.

Dazzled by Candy's stunning appearance, Mark could only gasp in awe (yes, I know he shouldn't really be attracted to cartoon woman, but Candy is SPESHUL, see.) as Candy grabbed the amulet from his neck and took off. Mark was only brought back to life when Kat bitch-slapped him across the face.

---

Meanwhile, back at the Thunder Tower, Kilobyte faced the most difficult decision he had ever made.

_Who is cuter? Ace or Sparx? _he wondered.

Sparx was relaxing in the leather recliner, her tight outfit displaying her body. _Well, she's female_, Kilobyte thought, _and it is illegal to be evil and slashy, because that is Discrimination. Then again, technically I'm not evil at the moment. But, I've never really talked to her…and I do have that "passionate rivalry" thing with Ace…_

Kilobyte didn't realise he was speaking some of his thoughts aloud, and Sparx, who had lost a lot of inhibitions as well as gaining hormones and emotions, turned to him and smiled.

"You know, there's this human thing called a _ménage a trois…_"

Ace, who was fooling around with the transformer, suddenly turned around and straightened. He turned a funny green colour, and muttered something about urgently having to leave on a mission.

Ace flew out in the door just in time to avoid Sparx and Kilobyte, who were advancing towards him with identical grins on their faces.

As he flew away, he thought he heard Sparx say, "Well, I guess it's just us alone together…"

---

Flying through the air, Ace's phone rang, and he picked it up.

"Lightning here," he answered.

"Ace! It's Mark. I've lost my piece of the Amulet!"

"I've got bad news for you too, kid. Kilobyte's acting emotional. And Sparx doesn't seem to mind!"

"I'm at the Carnival, but I'm going to leave as soon as I can, Candy Floss is chasing after me. She wants to know where Kilobyte's gone."

"I'll handle things at the Carnival, kid. Leave while you still can."

"Are you sure, Ace?" asks Mark, who was hoping the answer would be yes so he could placate Kat by taking her to a movie.

"No problem, kid. Just do right and fear not." With that, Ace hung up and flew towards the Carnival. He had a plan: to convince Candy Floss to help him restrain Kilobyte. In an entirely non-kinky way of course. Even if he did have nice tattoos.

---

Ace landed at the Carnival, and carefully approached the pink-and-white-striped stall. He was interrupted by Googler, who in his spiked form hit him on the back. Ace stumbled, and turned to see Anvil, Pigface, Lord Fear, and, directing them all, Candy Floss, mounted on Buzzbeast, a creature which looked like a cross between a tank and a Raptor. The new Evil Overlady had managed to thoroughly dominate all of the Evils…or, almost all. (Massive Foreshadowing Hint!)

"Candy!" Ace called. "I could help you find Kilobyte…"

"…or not," he added, as Lord Fear fired a green blast at him.

Ace backed away. He didn't like how things were going, and ducked a blow from Anvil's heavy fist.

Lord Fear laughed.

"Time to destroy you, Ace Lightning. You've been a thorn in my—" he glanced at Candy—"_our_ side far too long."

Ace saw an opportunity, and released a blast from his wrist cannons. He knocked over a tent, on Lord Fear, who cried out. Candy rushed to his recuse.

See, Candy _does_ have a Fatal Flaw, and it is a fetish for skinlessness. Once you've had your cry of, "Ewwww!" we'll continue with the story.

While Candy was distracted, Lady Illusion was able to sneak up behind Ace, and teleport him off the battlefield. (See? Ain't foreshadowing great?) However, Ace's troubles do not end here. (So keep reading.)

In the junkyard, Random Virus grinned, and raised a claw to send a row of cars tumbling over each other like dominoes before setting off to the Carnival. He had a mission to complete, to destroy weakness (ie. the Knights, who weren't exactly weak, but it fits the storyline to have the Good Guys in trouble). This included destroying Kilobyte, who got to have tentacles when all Random possessed was a claw.

---

Due to the stratagem of Lady-Illusion-making-a-phone-call, because in humorfic an original and/or coherent plotline isn't needed, Sparx, Kilobyte, and Ace arrived (oddly enough, separately) at the carnival. To their doom, mwa ha ha, as Candy liked to think.

Random appeared from behind a tent, striking Ace in the back, and he bounced off the wall of the Haunted House before retaliating with a blast, and the old friends-turned-enemies began to fight. Random said something about destroying weakness, and Ace said something about being friends no matter what, because they always say something like that and in humorfic it's okay to not be original. And _oh my gosh_ _even though Random's trying to kill him Ace still likes him and they're friends forever, somebody write slash NOW._

Standing in the sidelines, Candy and Lord Fear laughed. Random looked over his shoulder at them, and saw them holding hands. He even saw Fear bringing Candy's hand towards his face, as if to brush his lips across it, if he had lips. (Yes, eww. Can we continue please?)

This so shocked Random that it brought him back to his senses, and he immediately turned on Anvil. Ace, standing beside his old, er, _friend_, sent a few blasts Pigface's way.

Meanwhile, Lady Illusion and Sparx were fighting, again, because they didn't really have anything better to do. (_OMG just stop trying to get each other's attention and snog already!_) Sparx used her sword to destroy several bombs as they flew towards her, and jumped to the Ferris Wheel to aim a blast at Lady Illusion. Before she could fire, however, she was hit in the back with a candy-tipped arrow, and Candy Floss giggled.

Sparx backed away from the two women and prepared to defend herself. Candy laughed.

"Once you're out of the way, little girl, we'll easily be able to destroy Ace!" She launched an arrow pinning Sparx' sleeve to the Haunted House and prepared to fire again.

Although Candy called Sparx "little girl," Candy herself was younger than Sparx, only because she was so incredibly powerful, intelligent, beautiful, and…you get the idea. Hence, she was permitted to use that particular epithet. We'll end the pointless digression on now and return to the story.

Lady Illusion heard Candy's comment, and realised, thanks to the pink-haired villainess, that her trying to harm Sparx only hurt Ace. She threw a crystal ball at Candy, who was just about to send Sparx to the Sixth Dimension for the _nth time_. The force of the explosion also detached Sparx (and part of her sleeve, but we won't worry about that) from the Haunted House, and Sparx rematerialised her sword.

Together, Lady Illusion and Sparx advanced on Candy Floss, and together even the most powerful Sue Original Character could not stand against the two women.

Kilobyte looked around, and saw his sister in danger. Thanks to the emotions, he instantly reacted. He reached out a tentacle, grabbed Sparx in an entirely-non-groping way, bringing her towards him.

Sparx whistled for the Flash, which hurtled towards both her and Kilobyte. He let go of her in surprise, and Sparx jumped out of the way just as the Flash hit Kilobyte. Luckily for Kilobyte, his tight bodysuit protected him from serious harm. (Unluckily for Kilobyte-fangirls, the bodysuit remained intact.) Nevertheless, Kilobyte staggered backwards a few paces as Sparx leaped into her vehicle.

While staggering back, Kilobyte nearly tripped over Ace, and used the opportunity to grab _him_ with his tentacles. Cue some more minor tentacle-bondage, minor because Ace was soon rescued by Random. (Awww.)

Unfortunately, Ace was still held by Random's claw as the cyborg's right eye turned into a rather fetching shade of strawberry and the Virus felt the urge to attack everything in sight….

In the Big Top, Lady Illusion leapt from one platform to another as an arrow whistled below her. She threw a crystal ball before carrying off another dazzling leap, while Candy Floss swung from a trapeze bar, avoiding the explosion while completing an exceptionally different triple somersault. Completely absorbed in each other (in a non-femslashy way) neither of them were paying any attention to other events, and all of their men/minions/pets were now in danger…

Sparx, flying on the Flash, heard Ace's manly scream of terror, and swooped down to rescue him. Random lashed out at the Flash with his fist, and it went in to a spin, by Stunning Coincidence at just the right angle to enter the Big Top without damaging the tent's material at all. (Pay attention. This will be important later. Check out the Cool Foreshadowing!)

In order to remain seated on the Flash, Ace grabbed Sparx' waist (and all the Ace/Sparx fans squee). Lady Illusion looked up, and was so distracted by this sight that the next arrow hit her squarely in the back, and she fell from the highest trapeze to the ground…

…but was rescued by Ace and Sparx, because Ace loves her (and all the Ace/Sparx fans say, "Nooo!") and she'd helped Sparx fight Candy Floss earlier.

Candy was about to fire a lollypop arrow at the overloaded Flash, when she heard her skinless love cry out (in a less-than-manly way)…

…and then, behind her, the Rat started snickering, and she was forced to ignore the cry.

"It's time for another rebellion! So much for girl power!" The Rat, and the other minions, giggled.

Candy was about to turn on them and prove how powerful she was, when above her she saw the overloaded and now-smoking Flash heading downwards at a rapid rate towards her. To avoid being crushed, she neatly jumped onto the Buzzbeast, who had remained loyal to her, and began to fight her former minions.

The Flash crashed onto the ground and exploded in a shower of sparks, causing the revolting minions (check out the pun!) to fall back for a while. Candy looked over at the Flash. (Yes, it was in the middle of a battle! Yes, she still had time to look, because she's so amazing! Shut up!) The Flash was a charred mess, and didn't appear to contain any trace of Ace, Sparx, or Lady Illusion.

Inside the Haunted House, three figures appeared out of thin air. Just before the Flash had crashed, Lady Illusion had teleported Ace and Sparx out of it, though it hadn't worked as well as it could have.

Ace stood against the wall, and pulled at his top.

"I think I'm stuck…" he said.

Sparx and Lady Illusion, who had been thrown to the floor in a tangle of limbs (Yay! Femslash!), disentangled themselves and looked up at him.

The back of his armour was now fused to the wall. They both took an arm and tried to pull him away, but to no avail.

Outside, Random laughed, and raised a claw at the cowering Fear. The deranged cyborg was now attacking everything in sight. There was no telling which way his mind would change next!

Inside the Haunted House, Ace, feeling a bit stretched from Sparx and Lady Illusion trying to detach him, came to a decision. He reached to his side and released a clasp, and stepped away from the wall, leaving his metal top attached to it. (Here is where the partial nudity comes in.)

On the Buzzbeast, Candy sliced her way into the Haunted House, and noticed Ace standing in the centre of the room without a shirt. Her previous fetish for skinlessness was now lost as she admired those rippling muscles.

Sparx and Lady Illusion glared at her.

Outside, Fear, who was slowly slipping out of the story, was being defeated by Random Virus. He tried to fire a blast from Staffhead, and called Random a "crazed cyborg" with his accustomed alliteration, but Random just laughed and countered the blast with his claw.

Inside, Ace's rippling muscles _literally _rippled, for in the teleport the powers of the three had become scrambled. Ace now possessed the shapeshifting ability of Lady Illusion, though he was unable to control it. This turned Candy right off, because she had an anti-fetish for shapeshifters.

Sparx threw a crystal ball at Candy. Buzzbeast ate it.

Still desperately fighting to survive, Lord Fear extended a leg, and Random tripped over it to fall flat on his face…

There was an explosion as Buzzbeast's unusual meal blew up inside him, and Candy was thrown to the ground.

Lady Illusion flew out of the Haunted House and began to blast Fear in the interest of personal revenge. Ace and Sparx ran out of the Haunted House, and Ace turned into a crane and helped Random off the ground while Sparx prepared to trap Fear in a crystal ball.

As Sparx was about to imprison Lord Fear, Candy burst out of a Haunted House carriage to save her re-established love. Grasping a piece of the wreckage from the Flash, Candy inserted it into her crossbow and shot it at Sparx' crystal ball, which blew up in her face.

Ace—who was still finding the shapeshifting very hard to control—found his crane form rippling again, and he returned to a more humanoid form. However, due to Morphic Dissonance (Don't know exactly what that means? Don't worry. We don't either All will be explained. Really.) his bare chest now resembled Lady Illusion's, complete with skin colour and mammary protrusions.

Seeing that Ace and Sparx were both distracted for varying reasons, Lord Fear took the opportunity to fire at Ace, throwing him to the ground.

Random felt a blast of lightning, and turned to attack his attacker, whom he believed to be Ace but in fact was Lady Illusion. He tried to hit her with his claw, while she continued firing lightning bolts at him.

Anvil and the Rat approached the battle scene. Believing that Kilobyte was still working with the Knights, and remembering the energy drain he had placed on Anvil and the constant punching of the Rat, they attacked him.

Due to the bomb blowing up in front of her, Sparx could see nothing but a bright light, and thought that she had died. She tried walking towards the bright light, but tripped over Random and distracted him from attacking Lady Illusion.

Lady Illusion immediately flew over to Ace, and tried to regain her bosom by telling him how to control her powers.

Anvil pinned Kilobyte's tentacles and arms behind him so the Rat, finally getting some revenge, could repeatedly punch him.

Random, his right eye now a rather pastel shade of cucumber, gently picked Sparx up from the ground, and tried to have a Romantic Moment with her. They were interrupted by Candy, who was tired of no longer dominating the story.

Candy fired a bolt at the Big Top, and caused the material to envelop everyone on the scene aside from her.

Lady Illusion said to Ace, "This is by no means a permanent injunction, but would you mind staying away from my breasts?"

Lord Fear, sure his minions had turned against him, saw the spiked bulge of Google unable to bounce through the tentcloth, and, cackling, aimed a shot at him.

Panicking from Random's attempt at romance, Sparx heard Lady Illusion's rather odd comment, and tried to reach them through the confusing material. Instead, she found Anvil, who was erratically swinging his anvil around, nearly paralysed with terror because of the darkness beneath the material, and briefly grabbed him somewhere she really didn't want to think about.

Just before Fear could blast Googler, he was hit by Anvil, though Candy, who had heard Fear's cackling, aimed an arrow at Googler to protect her True Love.

In the confusion, Anvil and the Rat had released Kilobyte. Kilobyte was in his element in the dark, and searched for them for revenge. Instead, however, his tentacle found Random, who mistook him for Sparx.

Kilobyte didn't seem to mind.

A candy arrow caught Googler, and stuck him to a broken tent pole with sticky candyfloss. Googler released Zip and Snip, who made a beeline for their various enemies.

A lightning blast from Lady Illusion creates a hole in the tent, and in place of his armour Ace wraps some of the material around his still-inflated upper body.

"Pigface gotta throw up now!" came a yell, and Pigface, who had seen what Random was doing to Kilobyte's tentacle, stumbled out of the tent to vomit. He didn't look where he was going.

Ace screamed (it was a manly scream again, of course) as Pigface crashed into his new chest. Pigface took a step back, and coated him in snot.

Random realised that he had Kilobyte's tentacle instead of Sparx, and grabbed it in his claw, squeezing the life out of it as Kilobyte screamed (yes, in a manly way!).

Hearing Ace's scream, Lady Illusion and Sparx ran towards him.

Candy heard Kilobyte's scream, and tried to find her way into the tent to come to her brother's aid, though she found this very difficult.

Sparx threw a crystal ball at Pigface, while Lady Illusion blasted the snot, and incidentally the makeshift top, off Ace.

"Anvil in the light finally! Now Anvil crush!" Coming to the aid of his fellow minion, Anvil finally stumbled outside and raised his heavy fist as Sparx dodged him.

Lord Fear, who had heard Ace's manly scream too, cackled as he aimed Staffhead in that vague direction…

Ace, who had clutched his arms around his chest as soon as his top had come off, saw the beam of green light about to hit his friend, and pulled her towards him just in time. Sparx found her head buried in Ace's chest, which muffled her horrified scream.

Random managed to hear the scream of his female colleague, and released Kilobyte's tentacle. He lifted his claw, and began slashing (no, not _that_ sort of slashing) his way towards Sparx, who needed his help.

Candy found her way to her brother, and the two siblings were reunited as they fought off Fear, who had fallen from Candy's affections for No Good Reason.

Lady Illusion glared at Sparx, and tried to blast her off Ace, although if truth be told Sparx wasn't remotely interested in Ace's still-green chest and that had been the real reason for the horrified scream.

Behind Lady Illusion, Random, who had seen her blast Sparx, raised his fist and threw her into the wall of the Haunted House, before she'd realised that he had escaped from the enveloping material.

"Anvil smash newcomers!"

"Chew on this, Floss!"

"Tentacle-grope this, squid!"

"Hahaha!"

Anvil, Zip, and Snip had rejoined Lord Fear, and were helping him attack Kilobyte and Candy Floss. The speed of Zip and Snip as they flew around her meant that Candy's arrows were of little help, and Anvil traded punches with Kilobyte.

Meanwhile, Random grabbed Sparx, and pulled her out of Ace's chest. The force with which she came unstuck caused both her and Random to fall over in a well and truly tangled heap.

Random didn't mind, and soon Sparx didn't either. (Random/Sparx shippers: Squee!)

Finally getting rid of his chest and trying his hardest to avoid looking at Random and Sparx, Ace ran to help Lady Illusion.

Kilobyte wrapped a tentacle around Snip, and threw the deranged puppet into the ground. Candy launched an arrow at Anvil, and laughed as he backed away from Kilobyte.

"See, Kilobyte? You need my help. So much for the big brother act!" Candy laughed.

Kilobyte glared at her.

"I am a strong Evil Overlord! I need no little sisters to help me!"

And the emotional and oversensitive Kilobyte turned on Candy, knocking her into a stall.

A blast of green light hit Kilobyte from behind, and Lord Fear laughed.

"Didn't your programmer ever tell you not to hit little sisters?"

Candy used the opportunity of Fear's and Kilobyte's battle to fire an arrow. At Lord Fear, because she was angry at him for hurting her brother.

"I can discipline my own brother, Fear! I don't need anyone's help!"

"But I thought you needed my help, my _sweet _Candy-wandy…"

She shot another arrow in his direction.

Ace and Lady Illusion stood back to back, fighting Pigface and Googler, who was in his spiked form and proving difficult to hit. Ace drew Sparx' sword, while Lady Illusion fired more lightning blasts. They had hit the Evils a few times and appeared to be winning, when the tent blew over them, leaving Pigface and Googler with the advantage.

Kilobyte looked over at Sparx and Random, and became even more upset. To keep things PG-13 and to separate them, he threw out a tentacle between them, knocking Sparx off Random.

As Random stood to prepare for battle, he was blushing.Sparx stood up perfectly at ease, straightened her top, and noticed Ace and Lady Illusion alone together under heaps of material. She threw a bomb, which hit both Googler and Pigface in a cloud of smoke, and grabbed the material to pull it off the lovers. It floated over to cover Fear and Candy (who were now making up for their little fight).

Sparx ran over to Ace and Lady Illusion, and the three of them morphed again. When the coloured light faded, all three of them were now in their usual bodies with their usual powers.

Simultaneously, the three of them launched swordflame, lightning bolts, and crystal balls at Googler and Pigface, finishing them off and leaving them temporarily without enemies.

Ace and Lady Illusion shared a celebratory kiss. It started to develop into something more than PG-13, and she whispered to him, "I told you it wasn't a permanent injunction…," but they were interrupted by Buzzbeast, now recovered from his stomach pain, bursting from the Haunted House behind them.

Random joined his friends, and the Knights and Lady Illusion lined up and started walking down the midway, taking out whatever was in their path. Random hotwired the Flash while Ace and Lady Illusion flew, and the four of them arrived back at the Tower and finished any unfinished business that was started at the carnival.

Kilobyte was left on his own to fend off Anvil, Zip, and Snip, and with a puppet handing from two of his tentacles while the other two duelled Anvil's metallic arm, he was challenged to defeat the minions, but in the end he was able to throw Zip and Snip at Anvil, and then throw Anvil at Candy and Lord Fear, to distract them.

Kilobyte's next move was to force Rick to remove his emotions, while Candy took off in the Doom Wagon with Fear for a short honeymoon minus the wedding (because necrophilia is still illegal in most states).

_EPILOGUE:_

After that, everything returned to relative normality.

Kilobyte took over the minions at the Carnival again, and when Candy and Lord Fear returned they seemed too…distracted…to bother to challenge him.

Sparx, with Random's help, eventually fixed the Lightning Flash, while Ace and Lady Illusion were who knows where.

In a few weeks' time, everything was normal again, Good battling Evil as per usual. Balance was restored to the universe, and the Humourfic Of Doom was declared over…

…for now. Mwa ha ha.

**Feedback: **Yes please.


End file.
